While recently visiting our dear friend Leaf (they/them), conversations about relationships occurred between the three of us, but also between John and Leaf, then Leaf and me. This led to follow up conversation between John and me — all of which I have been contemplating, and which has inspired me to write this piece.
In a couple of weeks, John and I will celebrate our 26th wedding anniversary. We were both married to other people when we fell in love with each other in early 1995; it’s a long (and admittedly juicy) story – as much as we resisted, considering our children and families, we knew in our hearts that we were indeed soulmates, meant to share the rest of our lives together. To say our early months and even years were fraught with angst, confusion, mistakes, and forgiveness would be an understatement, yet our deep love for each other allowed us to continue to grow and move forward. Well, our deep love and oh yes, lots of therapy. Imago Therapy saved us, but those details are for a different blog post. Yes, I am opening myself up here, because my heart is so open after having had these conversations, and I am filled with gratitude for my relationship with John.
While I was folding laundry, I overheard John telling Leaf that since he retired in December of 2023, he and I are spending so much more time together, that he is seeing more details about my personality, and that I (sometimes? often?) tell him what to do! Moi?! While I do not recall his exact words, the sentiment was that I like things a certain way, which happens to be my way! HaHa. I do believe that he was more stating this as an observation as opposed to a complaint…
It is true that in our still-new retirement, we are together a lot—as in most of the time. We’re down to one car at home, so we often do errands together. We ride bikes and hike together very often, we socialize with friends together. It mostly works for us both. There are many times however that I want to stay home to work in the yard or to cook, which gives John time to go hiking/photographing on his own while I savor home time by myself. I like to putter around the house whereas John does not, so we’ve long been comfortable having time to ourselves during the day, knowing we’d be together in the evening.
Not so, in the van! We are together all of the time now! Every single minute of every single day of this vanlife except for bathroom time, and even then we sometimes shower together depending on the campground set up! We really do get along very well, and we’ve come to know each other well after 29 years together. And of course there are moments of friction, but surprisingly very few, truly.
So…when I heard him tell Leaf that I (often) tell him what to do, I wondered how much of a bother this was for him.
Later that day, I enjoyed some alone-time conversation with Leaf during which they shared that they have not seen a couple who are as compatible as John and me—two adults who are so similar in their life choices, who share outdoor experiences, food preferences, political positions, social consciousness, finding joy in each other, and who have such complementary energy levels. I was touched by Leaf’s observations, humbly acknowledging that my own perspectives on my marriage were the same.
As we drove off to our next destination the following morning, I had a chance to bring “us” up – just how bossy am I? How is it for John to be with me for so much of the time? Is 5 weeks on the road, in Vanda, becoming too much or … ?
Well, whew! As we continued to talk, we both arrived back to where we usually are: aware of the blessings in our lives including our love for one another; that we enjoy so many of the same activities and environments; that we both awaken early to get out for dawn’s beauty; our shared reverence for birds, flowers, and forest bathing; that we love to eat; to savor our ice cream research; and importantly regarding vanlife, that we both bring our talents. John plans our trips, mapping the routes, selecting hikes, choosing campgrounds. I basically oversee the van in terms of the kitchen, bed, laundry, and overall tidiness; so that both of us have our moments of being the “decider”, the person who is in charge of the current situation. Both of us, at times, tell the other “what to do” to some degree and ya’ know what? It totally works! We know that we are so fortunate to have this rich, intimate, and loving marriage.
I don’t know how other couples experience their marriage when in close quarters for extended periods of time. Right now, I am writing and John is looking at photos while we wait for dawn’s light so that we can go out into the forest to hike to a waterfall. We are sipping hot coffee. We are both in our own worlds in our shared world. We are both Married AF!
In honor of our upcoming wedding anniversary, here is what we looked like on that gorgeous day in 1998. Oh, how young…
